Solutions for Rising Sea Levels, Part 1: Kill the Whales

Written by Paul Zannucci on 12:00 PM

Never mind that the ocean has hardly risen at all. Never mind that we don't have any accurate records of current sea level increases beyond just a few years. Never mind that there are many alternate theories about how much the levels might increase or decrease depending upon which theories of climate change you adhere to (here and here). One thing is certain. Based on computer modeling, we need to just go ahead and make vast, enormously expensive, world altering changes--just in case the most extreme predictions are correct. So I've decided to stop offering nothing but obstructions and begin to offer solutions instead.

While some communities fight over a climate change levy tax and others plan about which towns to save and which to let drown, news reports of potential solutions--like floating cities to house "climate change refugees" and new forms of plant energy that could save the world--are making the headlines.

(as an aside, here's a quote about the new plant
"NASA has estimated that halophytes planted over an area the size of the
Sahara Desert could supply more than 90% of the world's energy needs."
Gee-only the entire northern continent of Africa will be

Clearly we all need to be involved in finding solutions to this dastardly problem; otherwise, freaking lunatics are going to end up screwing up the world by planting halophytes all over it, or screwing up the view from my favorite beach house by building enormous contingency cities. Never mind the protesters out marching against nuclear power, there are other things we can do besides stopping that menace, and I'm here to propose a series of them.

1st Suggestion: Kill the whales and drag them onshore. There are many millions of whales. I'm not going to do the math, but I bet that the water displacement of the whales is close to the displacement of the predicted glacier melt. If not, we can kill all the dolphins, too. You know there are tons of dolphins.

This would be particularly beneficial when you consider all the natural oil resources available in whales. How many corporations could benefit from burning cheap whale blubber? And whale parts could be fed to cattle and other farm critters and also to the creatures kept in concrete menageries (New Yorkers).

All the battles and bitterness over whaling would stop. Greenpeace could free up a lot of resources. And millions of people would get better educated because the only place to see whales would be in museums. Just think of the boom in the taxidermy business. It would create thousands upon thousands of second-job opportunities worldwide for the working poor. Who wouldn't want a real stuffed whale on their restaurant? Or perhaps you could have a dolphin on the wall of your study? Excellent talking piece.

And the best part is that it wouldn't even have to be permanent. Thanks to advances in DNA research and cloning, we could use cryogenics to freeze whale DNA and then, once we have the necessary 185 billion windmills built to cool the planet (like fans, I think), we can implant whale embryos into elephants and, POOF, we're back in business (I know what I'm talking about. Don't question the science).

But this is only one suggestion. I've got a bunch.

Part 2, for example, will be promoting "Worldwide Buy Bottled Water and Chuck it in a Landfill Day". This will get large amounts of water out of circulation by storing it securely in non-degradable plastic bottles.

That's right. Stay tuned for answers to all your environ-mental problems. And stop being so lazy and work on a few of your own.

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  1. 4 comments: Responses to “ Solutions for Rising Sea Levels, Part 1: Kill the Whales ”

  2. By The Lonely Conservative on July 10, 2008 at 8:13 PM

    I'm on board! Kill the whales, except Shamu, he's in a pool.

  3. By Paul Zannucci on July 10, 2008 at 8:17 PM

    Well, there's an alternative. We could put them all in giant pools and attach them to electric generators. They pretty much swim constantly.

  4. By Jeremy Sarber on July 10, 2008 at 9:24 PM

    Sounds like a practical solution to me. I'll write my congressman.

  5. By Anonymous on March 25, 2009 at 5:50 AM

    what the hell is wrong with u? whales have been here for ages and dolphins too. you are a heartless bitch and think u can solve this problem by killing defenseless animals?! This will cause a hell of a lot more problems than just solving one. maybe we should kill freaking retards like you cos ur clogging up the ozone with C02 every breath U take. the world would be a lot better without you taking up space.