Breaking News

Written by D. Pitney on 8:03 AM

In breaking news today Barack Obama announced he would eliminate the Department of Homeland Security. Sources close to the candidate say that his policies of “meeting and talking” to terrorist leaders will all but eliminate any threat they may have been. The same sources are also quick to admit that they feel no such threat ever existed. This announcement was followed closely by a statement that a new cabinet post would be created, The Department of Greenland Security. Speculation is that Al “No Carbon Footprint” Gore will head this new department following several closed door meetings between the two party leaders. A brief summary of the department’s objectives follows:

By 2012 all clothing will need to be made from organically grown materials and assembled by United States union shops (please note that it will still be illegal to smoke the material)
An immediate cars for bicycles trade will be established
All farms must grow organic corn for ethanol (details are still being worked out on how farmers will be able to plant with out tractors, combines etc. as we all know that mass scale farming “rapes” the planet)
Households will be allowed small organic gardens (you will be only allowed to produce enough food for you own use as we will be pushing forward a law preventing the sale of these goods to friends and neighbors. As further explanation profit from the sales would only lead to a reversal of the good we will be accomplishing)
Power companies will be shutting down after 7 PM each evening (you may have a small wind or water powered generator as long as it creates no noise pollution and the source does not disturb any local wildlife: although we have yet to find any source where this is possible)
Households will be allowed to own a single goat for milk production (cows create too much flatulence leading to global warming). You will of course need to gain the goat’s permission prior to stealing her milk. A separate sub branch will be established to handle goat complaints.
An additional law banning meat from all sources will also be enacted for several reasons. First the health risks. Second the well know and established effects of cow flatulence (we assume the same from other sources). Third the impact of fishing on the world’s oceans.

This list is far from exhaustive as details are just becoming available. We will continue to monitor and notify our readers around this ongoing development.

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  1. 1 comments: Responses to “ Breaking News ”

  2. By Jeremy Sarber on June 26, 2008 at 10:53 AM

    That'd funny if it weren't so close to truth.